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No, You Ignorant Fool, Having a Dog Does Not Prepare You for Parenting! Joining a Fraternity Does.

When you are around young couples, you may occasionally hear this logic gem tossed into the conversational pool:

We decided to get a dog together. It will prepare us for when we have kids later.

I actually heard that from several couples when I was in my twenties and early thirties. I most recently heard a variation on that from a former business partner who bought a dog with his wife.

Let me dispel that notion right now for any clueless youngsters who are dating, living together, or recently married and think that a dog is good practice. It’s not. Don’t kid yourselves. Stop playing house and get a clue. Owning a dog is to having a child as owning a houseplant is to solving the global ecological crisis. They’re not related. They’re not on the same scale. They aren’t even in the same city, or state, let alone a single ballpark.

Just a few of the reasons:

  • When you go out during the day, just try leaving your baby at home with a dish of food and a dish of water.
  • Then expect it to stay there for hours on end without crapping itself.
  • If it does, rub the baby’s nose in it and spank it.
  • If you travel, take the baby to a stranger and pay them a few dollars a day to keep it in a cage and give it subsistence meals.

Pretty much any/all of these will earn a visit from child protective services, for the record.

If you really want to see what it’s like to have a child, here is a much better idea… adopt a fraternity member.

You don’t think there is a great similarity? Take a look at this explanation of why babies are just tiny drunks, then read on.

At some point in your relationship with your fraternity brothers, you may/will be required to deal with the following:

  • They throw up on themselves.
  • They throw up on you.
  • They shit on themselves.
  • They shit on you.
  • You discover they are incapable of doing their own dishes.
  • At some point, they will give you an excuse for something so ridiculous that you’ll be tempted to believe they are borderline retarded.
  • They will ask you for money.
  • They will be unable to pay for anything themselves.
  • They will make poor life choices that you try to warn them against and they ignore.
  • They wreck your car.
  • They destroy your house.
  • They require near constant attention.
  • They sleep in so late you begin to question whether they are dead, OR
  • They get up so early you briefly consider killing them yourself.
  • Sometimes both of those occur on the same weekend.
  • They always need a ride somewhere.
  • They rarely show appreciation for it.
  • They have terrible impulse control. I mean, absolutely terrible.
  • They will drive you to drink.

Generally speaking, fraternity brothers and small children share a frightening number of characteristics. So my suggestion to the would-be dog owner is this:

Don’t take out your relationship issues on an innocent dog. Instead, head down to the local ATO/Sig Ep, Sigma Chi, or other chapter of choice and ask the guys if you and your girl can live there for about a month.  If you still think you might want to have kids at some point after that, get yourself fixed.

Written by Turk