When you are around young couples, you may occasionally hear this logic gem tossed into the conversational pool:
We decided to get a dog together. It will prepare us for when we have kids later.
I actually heard that from several couples when I was in my twenties and early thirties. I most recently heard a variation on that from a former business partner who bought a dog with his wife.
Let me dispel that notion right now for any clueless youngsters who are dating, living together, or recently married and think that a dog is good practice. It’s not. Don’t kid yourselves. Stop playing house and get a clue. Owning a dog is to having a child as owning a houseplant is to solving the global ecological crisis. They’re not related. They’re not on the same scale. They aren’t even in the same city, or state, let alone a single ballpark.
Just a few of the reasons:
- When you go out during the day, just try leaving your baby at home with a dish of food and a dish of water.
- Then expect it to stay there for hours on end without crapping itself.
- If it does, rub the baby’s nose in it and spank it.
- If you travel, take the baby to a stranger and pay them a few dollars a day to keep it in a cage and give it subsistence meals.
Pretty much any/all of these will earn a visit from child protective services, for the record.
If you really want to see what it’s like to have a child, here is a much better idea… adopt a fraternity member.
You don’t think there is a great similarity? Take a look at this explanation of why babies are just tiny drunks, then read on.
At some point in your relationship with your fraternity brothers, you may/will be required to deal with the following:
- They throw up on themselves.
- They throw up on you.
- They shit on themselves.
- They shit on you.
- You discover they are incapable of doing their own dishes.
- At some point, they will give you an excuse for something so ridiculous that you’ll be tempted to believe they are borderline retarded.
- They will ask you for money.
- They will be unable to pay for anything themselves.
- They will make poor life choices that you try to warn them against and they ignore.
- They wreck your car.
- They destroy your house.
- They require near constant attention.
- They sleep in so late you begin to question whether they are dead, OR
- They get up so early you briefly consider killing them yourself.
- Sometimes both of those occur on the same weekend.
- They always need a ride somewhere.
- They rarely show appreciation for it.
- They have terrible impulse control. I mean, absolutely terrible.
- They will drive you to drink.
Generally speaking, fraternity brothers and small children share a frightening number of characteristics. So my suggestion to the would-be dog owner is this:
Don’t take out your relationship issues on an innocent dog. Instead, head down to the local ATO/Sig Ep, Sigma Chi, or other chapter of choice and ask the guys if you and your girl can live there for about a month. If you still think you might want to have kids at some point after that, get yourself fixed.