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It Was Just A Matter Of Time Before Someone Punched Matt Stoller

I’m not normally one to find amusement in the misfortune of others, but I found this hysterical.

Stoller's Black Eye

You can only go around calling every single person you meet a racist for so long before one of them punches you in the face. I’m not positive that’s what happened, and other than complaining about headaches and pain, he’s been pretty tight lipped about it.

My understanding is the story begins with “I was outside a bar in New York City…”

Since no story with a happy ending starts that way, that should have been warning enough. But here’s the dialog that I assume preceded the thumping.

(camera pulls back to reveal Matt Stoller standing outside a bar. Thor, a large heavy set biker walks out the door behind him and taps Matt on the shoulder)

Thor: Did I hear you say something about me you skinny little shit?

Matt: Um, no sir.

Thor: You didn’t call me a racist?

Matt: Oh that? Well yeah, of course I did.

Thor: How do you figure I’m a racist you scrawny white puke?

Matt: Well gee, Mr. Biker, you’re drinking a light beer. Everyone knows that drinking light beer is a reflection of your negative views toward people of color. Only white supremacists drink light beer, just like only homophobes drink Zima.

Thor: You little punk, I’m drinking light beer because it’s on special. And not that it matters, but for your information, I’m half black.

Matt: You see. It’s a classic case of a self-loathing rac—-

(cut to scene of Stoller holding his eye and lying in a pool of his own urine as Thor walks back inside.)

Now I don’t have any witnesses that can confirm this is what happened, but it’s the scene that has been playing over and over in my head since I saw the picture.

Oh, and by the way, check out the number of comments on the post that say, “I used to get my ass beat by bullies in high school…” I get the sense that this is what happens to the kids of those hippies that thought teaching non-violence to kids was a good idea. We’re raising a whole generation of douchebags that won’t be able to take a beating without whining about it.

Sooner or later in life you’re going to get punched in the face – either physically or metaphorically. Take it like a man and move on.

Written by Michael Turk