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Dear Blue States: A Reply From the Red States

Despite being three years old, the “Dear Red States” Craigslist posting from 2005 is suddenly circulating again. I guess it must be election season that has revived this. But I figured I’d take a quick shot at a response.

Dear Red States… We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

Hot Damn. Thanks. You’re like people who have stayed long after the rest of the party goers have gone home. We’ve been hoping you’d finally leave, but we’re too polite to simply throw you out.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

Well, actually, Minnesota, Michigan, Wisconsin and Washington are typically considered “swing states”, but you can have them. Congratulations. You got two states too cold to live in, a failing automotive industry, and Washington.

As for the beaches, we got the entire gulf coast and the Atlantic up to North Carolina. You got the rocky coast of the northwest and the Jersey Shore (whose tourism board just recently announced their new slogan “Guidos in Speedos”). Again. Congrats.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America ‘s venture capital and entrepreneurs.

I don’t mean to quibble with your argument, but Bank of America is the nation’s largest and one of the few solvent banks. It’s located in North Carolina. We’ll take that.

I also suspect that most of the corporate CEOs that built that wealth will move in with us since better than 75% of them vote Republican.

You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

You can have the tax revenue. We’ll give the other 1/3 back to the people since they know how to spend it better than your army of bureaucrats.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire

Since our troops will be coming home in a year under President Bush’s plan anyway, that’s fine with us.

You’re also likely impose strict gun control while we a) have a tendency to support regime change b) have a lot of guns. In addition, since most of America’s nuclear arsenal sits in silos in the red states, if we ever decide we want New California back… Well, let’s just say, “Sleep tight!”

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 % of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 % of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 %of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

You got me there. Let’s just hope that all the Asian students who are attending those schools will let you mow their lawns when they graduate.

While I will miss the pineapple, I think I speak for my red state family when I say we’re ok giving up the wine and stinky cheese. After all, we still have all the Jack Daniels from Tennesee, all the Coors and Budweiser beer products from Colorado and Missouri, most of America’s steak, and all the cigars we can roll with that North Carolina tobacco.

You also seem to forget that a) we will get most of America’s total acreage. We get America’s strategic oil reserve, we get all the oil in Texas and Alaska. With a much smaller population, we’ll have enough energy to last generations. If we run short, we have no problem drilling off the coast of New California since we know we won’t run into you there. Even if we do, like I said, we have all the guns.

That is a shame about the condors. I hear they’re good eatin’.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 % of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

I can live with that.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38 % of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace out,
Blue States

Ugh! You get Hollywood? Bummer. You’ve just taken on a huge sector of the economy that creates little of actual value, yet gets paid better than most CEOs. But we’re willing to accept that since you have agreed to permanently dispose of Paris Hilton, Rosie O’Donnell, and Britney Spears. Thanks for taking care of that for us.

In closing, let me simply say thank you again. I think this arrangement will work out beautifully.

Written by Michael Turk