“Dear Johnny from Citrix” (How Not to be a Douche When Cold Calling From a Frat Party)

Dear Johnny from Citrix:

I could write a book on how not to sell stuff based on the HORRIBLE vendor pitches I get. The latest example I would use in that book would be the call we just shared.

You see, yesterday I got this email from your colleague Jeff asking if I would be interested in changing our GoToMeeting setup.

The email, you will notice, has this nice little survey built in. Clicking “B” brings up an email response that says “No Thanks!” and I immediately clicked send.

Apparently, however, that answer wasn’t good enough for you people at Citrix, so you, Johnny, called me up this morning.

When I answered the phone, I heard cheering and clapping and it sounded a lot like you were calling from a boozed up party late on a Friday night. Apparently you folks at Citrix start early down in North Carolina.

I said hello four or five times, and finally you asked “Is this Mike?” I replied in the affirmative.

Then you said – with wild cheering still going on wildly in the background – “I’m having trouble hearing you. I think we may have a bad connection.”

To which I replied, “Maybe that or it’s the party you’re calling me from. Is someone doing kegstands?”

You chuckled, then suggested you call me back in a few minutes.” To which I replied, “Why don’t you tell me who you are and what the hell you want and let me determine whether or not it’s worth OUR time for you to call me back.”

I was then informed that this was Johnny from Citrix, and you wanted to talk to me about the same GoToMeeting account that I had just told Jeff via email I wasn’t interested in changing.

I apologize for rudely telling you to piss off and hanging up, but here’s the thing. While I may seem rude, you’ll notice in Jeff’s email he copied your Salesforce system on the email. When I replied in the negative, that went directly back into your data and you really should have known full well that I didn’t want to change. After all, I JUST TOLD YOU THAT YESTERDAY!”

Now maybe you don’t have access to Salesforce, and maybe your Salesforce account doesn’t take “No thanks!” for an answer and stop you from calling me. Maybe you need the increased fees to hire more folks to work the kinks out of your system. I really don’t know.

What I do know is a) you don’t make calls when your fellow employees are screaming and yelling their way through a game of asshole at your desk, and b) you don’t go ahead and call people who have replied to your bullshit emails telling you they don’t want to hear from you.

Since you didn’t offer a last name, I will feel free to use “Johnny” in the chapter of my book titled “How Not To Be A Douche While Cold Calling From a Frat Party.” I hope you will pick up a copy of the book and point excitedly to your friends shouting “Hey! That’s me! I’m the jerkoff from Citrix!”

Until then, keep calling, brother. Just don’t keep calling me.

Sincerely,

Turk

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